My life has been isolated long enough. What sucks is that evem though I have internet, I have no keyboard to type with. I am online from my Wii! Take that lap-toppers and cellular surfers. My technology may not be portable, but when I get my keyboard, just wait and see!

Mwah ha ha ha!

Mood: devious

Sittin' out here at the boat, and I'm bored. Corey's snoring over on the couch and everyone else is eating breakfast, which I almost never do. We have Planet Earth playing in the background, and the steady sawing of logs penetrating the boat. I missed my league bowling last night because Corey wanted to come out here and now all he wants to do is sleep. Go figure. I need a more active companion. Anyone interested?

Well, I finally got my transcripts from Woodstock so now, it is only a matter of time before I go back to school. I can't wait. Ty and Jayda have had another successful mating and produced another son, his name, Jack Sparrow, affectionately nicknamed "Troubles" by me. My mother named him Jack Sparrow and her other bird is Will Turner. Geez, Mom... I expected more imagination than that from her. Well, to me, he'll always be my little Troubles, mainly because he is very mischievious and likes to get into trouble. Ha! Trouble really is his middle name!

Anyway, I'm wasting valuable time on the computer when I could and should be enjoying the sunlight! Latah ya'll!

Mood: cold

Well, not a long entry, but I can wrap my happenings up pretty quickly. Ty had a baby, wonderful news. I have named him Miracle Max, M&M for short. Mostly though, I just call him "Baby". Corey and I are out at the boat drinking, but we came out here for work. I'm grooming his parents' dog tomorrow and then we are waxing the boat to pay the rent, you know.

Well, I am going to go now and help set the table, ta for now.

I hereby proclaim this my new bird community and wish to have nothing more to do with BudgieTalk.

Ty 's finally had a baby! It is so cute! It is nearly grown and old enough to be hand-fed. I cannot wait to see what color it turns out to be! So far it looks to be mostly grey with yellow and blue on its tail and wings. It may even have some black markings on its wings, but the feathers haven't grown in enough to tell yet.

So far, it seems to have the sweet disposition of Ty and the attitude of Jayda, which pleases me. I always wondered what color combination would come from the cross of a standard variation and my pale blue, grey-winged Ty-Ty. Now, I may finally find out!

Mood: curious

Yeah, yeah, I know... My life has been hectic and I have been without a computer to vent my frustration with. Grr. So, my store's closing. Kind of a good thing, maybe. Not too long before, I saw an old familiar face there. It keeps my distance and my employment safe from unnecessary harassment. But still, I am sad to leave it because the people I have been working with I really like. We're all like a big family and now I am losing them. It broke my heart when they transferred the animals out the other day. We had all gotten so attached to them, especially the birds. The Nanday and the Caiette(sp?) were my two favorites. The Nanday didn't like anyone but me and will be hard to sell. It's upsetting.

Okay, good news and then on to the job issue. I'm going to Six Flags tomorrow! The first Saturday I've had off in sooo long! Ugh, my birthday is right around the corner, too. I'm tired of getting older. I think I'm going to quit aging altogether. I may start getting younger. I'd like to turn twenty-one again. Hell, I still feel like I'm seventeen. When I think that my parents had a five-year-old me at my age, it takes my breath away. I can't imagine having a child at my age. Corey has a seven-year-old, but he's also five years my senior. I have no idea what to get him for his birthday. *sigh*

Anyway, I have a job inteview at a grooming salon on Tuesday. The thing is, my old manager from PetSmart worked there and said she didn't get along with the girl that is running it now. She's also suing Petco because she said they stole her database when they left to work for Petco. I guarantee what happened was their loyal clients followed them when they changed jobs. I've already been solicited by several of my clients that want to keep me as their preferred groomer. So, I have made notes of names and numbers, and when I change jobs, I will make a round of calls and let them know where I am working... from my personal phone, and maybe offer to come to their home and groom their dog there. I'm still hoping for a mobile grooming job, but I'm not going to turn anything down until I know for sure that I have a position where I want to work. I'd really like to follow Francis and Amy... even though I am not that impressed with Amy's grooms.

Well, it's about time for me to get ready for bed. I need plenty of sleep if I'm going to hike all over Six Flags and that damn Lickskillet Hill four and five times during the day, because I just have to ride everything. It will be my first chance to ride the Goliath and I want to ride everything more than once.

'Night all.

Mood: tired

It's irritating...

Nothing I do is right anymore. I get shit no matter what I do or say. I'm tired of putting up with everyone's shit. What is it that I have done to deserve this kind of treatment, I mean, really. Whatever it was, I'm sure I've paid for it in full and then some.

I don't use my blinkers, I don't put my bowl away, or I ask to have something repeated because I can't hear what is being said the first time and I get barraded with insults and criticisms. I just can't take the strain anymore. My mental state isn't as strong as it once was. I hold on by a mere thread to that delicate idea called sanity.

I asked him to sit with me for eight minutes... Just eight minutes while I finished cooking my dinner before he went back downstairs to bed. I didn't think it was an extraordinary request, am I wrong? He seemed to think so. He moaned and complained as if I had asked him to preform some lengthy and rather unpleasant chore. I hope that is not what I am to him.

*cries*

I can't help myself. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't love me anymore. The thought lingers in the back of my mind, a constant presence when we are together, and I fear, almost expecting, that he will tell me to pack up my things and leave. The words in print bring a very present threat.

I am fearful, for the first time since the miscarriages. Though I try not to be, I'm terrified that my world is about to collapse yet again. It is starting to take a toll on my well-being. My clothes are fitting looser, and I have not been eating well, partially due to work and partially due to lack of grocery funds.

My job has been my only refuge for the past week. It was after my first paycheck that things began to get really rough. Before, I could handle his ragged words and edgey conversation and play it off as stress or depression. Now, though, it seems more and more personal.

*sighs heavily and sweeps a tear from her cheek*

Just writing about it seems to make it more real. I want to tell him how I feel, let him know what is bothering me, but when I try to tell him, the words won't come out. It's like there is this invisible gag that keeps me from telling him what I feel. Is this why guys find it hard to open up? Am I having the same problem? And I thought it was just a testosterone problem. Apparantly, gender isn't a factor. So the blame must fall elsewhere. But to point fingers isn't right either. My parents weren't perfect by any means, but they tried their best by me.

I'll finish this later... I'm going to watch a movie with Corey. Perhaps that's all I need anyway... Quality time, something we haven't had in a while.

Mood: distressed

I'm so elated. Kamryn is back from Charleston! She has to go back to her mom's probably tomorrow, but for now, she's here! Then I find out, I may have to meet her mother... and not too far from now. I'm not excited for this meeting. I've seen her, but that is as far as I ever wanted to go. I never have to hear her voice or see the color of her eyes... I can't look at her and know what my love has done with her. It is a feeling so heart-wrenching as to take the wind from my chest.

I get chills just to hear him talk to her on the phone. When I have the phone, I bristle when I see her calls or texts, ignore them, and fail to tell Corey about it until he asks and then, my answer is that I didn't look at who was calling because it wasn't my business and forgot to tell him someone called.

Mood: listless

Things seem to be coming to a lull in my life. All I can say is, "It's about damn time."

No longer unemployed, I have found what seems my niche in life working at Petco as a bather/groomer. I am enrolled in their apprentice program and I am learning to be a groomer, or a "Petstylist" as they call it. I have already groomed a Shih Tzu, a Lab, a Bearded Collie, and my boss's Miniature Poodle. I am learning how to do teddy-bear heads and shave-downs and breed cuts within my first week, under professional supervision.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

The Cadillac isn't doing so hot right now. The glove compartment door is broken now and the light inside it ran the battery dead so I had to get a jump from someone at work just to get home. We are hoping it will start today. We are running out of gas and groceries and it will be more than a week before I get paid from Petco. I am hoping my last check from Aramark comes in today. Corey has to pay his probation officer today or risk being incarcerated... Which means, he plans to pawn the computer for the money. As of right now, I don't have enough gas to get to work tomorrow.

I'm stressed to the max, but there is an end in sight. My base pay is six dollars an hour, but with my commission, which starts at 40%, I make much more than that. I've already commissioned out about $300 in four days. Technically, three days because Monday I didn't do anything. I was supposed to be doing computer training on policy and procedure, but my manager was having computer problems, so I cleaned that day.

It's 25 miles round trip to work and I love it. I worked 11 and 11 1/2 hours the last two days and barely noticed I had been there that long. I haven't worked those kind of hours in two years! At my last job, working a concession-type kitchen in the Tyson chicken plant, 8 hours seemed an eternity! What made it so much longer than Petco? I love what I do, and that is the key. I have an open shot at Salon Manager in the near future and a fantastic career looming just in front of me. So close, I can touch it. I'm so happy!

Mood: ecstatic

I've always been really adament about people breeding parakeets, but it has finally hit home. I caught Ty propositioning Jayda yesterday, and it is only a matter of time before they lay eggs of their own.

Now, I am faced with a difficult decision. Should I take the eggs away or try to let them raise the clutch? At the moment, I have the time to devote to caring for them, but do I have the necessary equipment and finances to insure that they are well cared for?

I do not have an incubator, so if the parents abandon the clutch, that will be the end of it. I know how to hand-feed, if I can get Ty and Jayda to care for them until they are old enough to do so. I am sure I can find homes for the little ones when the time comes as well, I have two in line already. But if one comes out looking like Ty, I will have to keep it.

I'm so at odds with myself for even considering it. I'm worried. I want everything to go well, but the truth is that sometimes nature isn't so kind, in fact, most times it isn't. I've seen first hand the problems that can come along with raising a clutch with domesticated birds and it is not pretty. Instinct only goes so far and this would be their first clutch.

On the upside, they have had plenty of calcium in their diet. They have gone through cuttlebone after cuttlebone. ((They especially like the banana-flavored ones, they won't even eat the regular ones any more.)) I have a breeding box that my dad made for them a year ago when I thought that breeding birds would be all roses and sunshine, but they never would go inside it. I don't know. Like I said, I'm at odds on this decision, because it really is a huge under-taking and a lot of responsibility on my end as a responsible bird parent. I don't want to make myself out to be a hypocrite, but at the same time, I've seen the problems that can arise, so I know what to look for and how to solve and/or prevent it.

Ty is singing a love song to me. It seems he knows what I am doing and wants to reassure me. Crafty little bugger. Manipulative little thing... He knows I can't resist his charms... How can I say no to that face? Please, any advise would be most helpful. Thankfully, I have connections with wisened bird owners, and a world of knowledge at the click of a mouse to aid in my decision.

Mood: contemplative

I have been starting to slip back into my depression. I cried myself to sleep last night, and couldn't gather the courage to tell Corey what was bothering me. With all the talk of babies and being pregnant in the air at work, it is more than I'm able to handle. I need someone to talk to that understands. I'm terrified of getting pregnant again. It has become a fear that has translated into the bedroom. I'm afraid of even getting intimate with Corey for fear that it will lead to blood and pain again.

I need to call my mom, and I will shortly. Since I stopped taking my anti-depressants, my mind has become clearer, but the symptoms that ushered them to perscribe them in the first place have slowly returned. I don't want to have children... I don't want to get pregnant... I don't want to hurt again...

I couldn't take another one... My last nearly broke me.

Calob and Alyssa won't leave me; their memories still haunt my conciousness and invade my dreams. I do love them. They were mine. My babies. And I will never watch them grow or live. I will never run my fingers through their hair or watch them sleep at night. They will never kick a ball or throw a frisbee. No pom-poms or footballs, just the empty feeling that was left behind when they were taken from me.

And here I am, crying again. I feel empty and alone and I carry a burden that is weighing down my heart. Sometimes it feels like I can't go on.

Mood: morose

Fuck you all!

My miscarriage means nothing to anyone, obviously so fuck all of y'all!

Mood: pissed off

Breathe in right away,
Nothing seems to fill this place
I need this every time,
Take your lies get off my case
Someday I will find a love
That flows through me like this
This will fall away,
this will fall away
You’re getting closer to pushing me
Off of life’s little edge
Cause I’m a loser
And sooner or later
You know I’ll be dead
You’re getting closer,
You’re holding the rope,
I'm taking the fall
Cause I’m a loser, I’m a loser, yeah
This is getting old,
I can’t break these chains that I hold
My body’s growing cold,
There’s nothin left of this mind
Or my soul
Addiction needs a pacifier,
The buzz of this poison is taking me higher
This will fall away,
This will fall away
You’re getting closer, to pushing me
Off of life’s little edge
Cause I’m a loser and sooner or later
You know I’ll be dead
You’re getting closer,
You’re holding the rope and
I’m taking the fall
Cause I’m a loser
You’re getting closer, to pushing me
Off of life’s little edge
Cause I’m a loser and sooner or later
You know I’ll be dead
You’re getting closer,
You’re holding the rope
And I’m taking the fall
Cause I’m a loser

Mood: crushed

Just when I announce that I am pregnant... again... I have a miscarriage... again.

I started bleeding on Tuesday, just a couple of spots, but I called my mom and called the doctor and scheduled an appointment the next day to be seen. As the day progresses, however, so does the bleeding. By the time I get to the doctor's office, my cramps are so severe, they nearly double my body over in agony. As I was giving them a urine sample, I start passing blood clots, this one the size of a quarter. I inform the nurse as I give her the sample, half afraid they are going to have to give me a cathetor to get a clean sample, and she takes my weight (a whole 131lbs on their scale), blood pressure (which was good), and four vials of my blood (as I stare intently on the wall opposite the needle in my arm).

Shortly thereafter, they call me back to preform another pelvic exam, this one even more unpleasant than the first two had been. While I am changing in the bathroom, a blood clot the size of a ping-pong ball passes from my body. My tears are silent, but my mom notices. By the time the doctor arrived to preform the exam, I was quite covered in blood from the waist down. They said my cervix was closed, but informed me of the obvious, that there was quite a bit of blood. I'm sure they did not enjoy cleaning and sterilizing the room after me, because the bleeding was quite profuse and got everywhere in my attempts to get undressed.

After my pelvic exam, we went back into the waiting room where I immediately took a couple of Tylenol Rapid Release Gels to ease the pain and waited for my name to be called back to the ultrasound room. Here, they have a "puppy training pad", as I call them, waiting for me. I guess in hopes I don't make a mess this time. Nevertheless, my blood still ends up on the bathroom floor while I am changing and I pass another clot the size of a golf ball this time. They preform another intravaginal ultrasound and reveal very little. My doctor told me that most of what was left was blood and a little bit of tissue, no fetus. He said that luckily I wouldn't need a D&C (DNC? I'm not sure which, I've only heard it spoken, so I'm not sure which was being said.), that it should stop bleeding on its own relatively shortly.

He did give me a prescription to make my uterus contract and help with the bleeding, but I've yet to get it filled. The pharmacy was closed by the time I got out of the doctor's office. I am thinking about leaving as soon as I finish here in order to take every bit of change I can scrounge up to a CoinStar to get it filled today. I was told that it might make the bleeding worse at first, but that it should slow it down after that. Corey told me that I was a strong woman, the first time I've ever been called that... but I'm not strong enough to handle this. I can't do it anymore. Every time I have to go through this torment it breaks my spirit. I no longer have the strength to rebuild after each tragedy. They are getting closer and closer together, and I am running out of energy. I don't know how I've made it as far as I have, but I don't know if I can continue this path for very much longer. At the rate I'm going, I'll kill myself before the age of 30.

I'm losing weight again, I can already tell. My ribs are becoming more prominant as well as my hips. My ring, which used to sit so snugly on my finger as to leave an imprint, now is sliding off. I will have to put it away before I go to sleep at night because last night, it slid off my finger and I had to search the bed to find it. The toll on my body is too great. Well, I suppose the only solution is birth control, since Corey and I have no trouble conceiving, it seems, we just can't get past the second month. I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow for more blood work and another on May 2nd to run yet more tests to see if we can't find out why I'm having these miscarriages.

As for this most recent baby, I had no idea as to its gender, but I had a feeling it was going to be a girl just because I wanted a boy. I named her Alyssa Jewel Foster. Alyssa from the song "Alyssa Lies" by Jason Michael Carroll. Jewel because she is my lost Jewel.

So, here's my memorial to them both.

Calob Daniel Foster - Dec. 27, 2006- Feb. 2, 2007
Alyssa Jewel Foster - Mar. 10, 2007- Apr. 18, 2007

May they never be forsaken or forgotten, my darling angels.

:: Turns away to weep ::

Mood: morose

Yes, it has happened again, without warning or consent. I mean, I don't want it to sound like it's a bad thing. It just feels like everyone else is more excited about the whole situation more than I am. To be totally honest, I am absolutely terrified. I was so excited the first time... but after the miscarriage, all I can do is think of how I'm going to lose this one. It's a terrible way to look at things, but I really don't want to get my hopes up and then have them snatched away again. I just can't take that pain again, not now, not this soon after Calob.

It has made me look at abortion in a new light. How can someone throw a life away when so many are taken away from those who want that joy? It doesn't make sense to me. I have always been pro-choice, but I would never have an abortion, myself, but that is my choice. Everyone should be allowed to choose, though I don't know why anyone would want to choose to have an abortion unless they were raped, that I understand. Of course, having been raped myself, it is understandable how I would feel that way.

As for my current delicate condition, I have started taking prenatal vitamins again and Corey is determined to take good care of me this time, since he wasn't here the last time. He says that's probably why I had the miscarriage... He said I probably wasn't eating right. I have a feeling he's going to make me fat. I don't want that. Healthy pregnancy weight-gain, okay, if I must, for the baby, but I don't want to have to struggle to lose the weight afterwards. I want to be a size 6 again. I'm reaching for stars, I know, but I will put forth every effort to do so. As of now, I weigh about 130lbs, not having weighed myself in two-three weeks. I should buy a scale so I can track it as the pregnancy progresses. My measurements are 34" 29" 36". I also have measuring tapes to track those measurements as well.

I have to have another pelvic exam done... Damn, weren't the first two enough? And that, what did they call it? Introvaginal ultrasound? It looks like a vibrator and they fill a condom with that jelly crap that is ice cold and then heats up the instant it touches skin and put that over the vibrator-looking thing and insert it up inside you and move it around to all these weird angles to take pictures of your uterus from the inside. Last time, all they saw of Calob was an 8mm sac. It was too early to see much else, and I am only about that far along now, if that. I can't remember when my last menstrual cycle was exactly. I know I had a period after the miscarriage, but my cycle was thrown out-of-whack, so it wasn't on schedule. Hell, I may be further along than I think. I've "known" that I was pregnant for about two weeks now...

Yeah, it was about two weeks ago that I posted that I was suspicious, so I must be at least four weeks along. I had a bit of morning sickness today. I didn't throw up or anything, but I was very nauseated most of the day. I have still been having cramps in my lower abdomen that concern me. They feel like period cramps, but since I am not having a period, apparantly for a while, I don't understand why I'm having these cramps. My mom and Corey want me to take it easy for a while. We haven't told Corey's parents. We decided to wait for a couple of weeks before breaking the news. Basically only my immediate family know, and I didn't even want my dad to know quite yet, but my mom spilled the beans a little too soon.

I'm starting to get a little excited, despite myself. There are just too many benefits to being pregnant that you just would never realize untill it happens to you. Like, being able to eat weird things and nobody says anything about it, they just shake their head and smile at you, sometimes you'll even get a laugh out of them. Anytime someone sees me pick up a pickle, I hear a remark about eating ice cream. I'll admit, I did it once last time because my dad insisted. I had a pickle in one hand and a glass of milk in the other, the next thing I knew, here comes my dad with a tub of ice cream and a big spoon. He wouldn't leave me alone untill I ate some ice cream.

Speaking of milk, I should probably drink another glass. I had a glass of Pom Tea, a bowl of fruit, a fruit smoothie, and a bag of salt and vinegar chips today. I am, indeed, on a strange diet. I think I'll fix corn with dinner tonight. That will get my veggies in for today, that and maybe some baked beans... Those are good for me, too... Maybe some of that ham to go in it? That sounds good. What about the entree? There is that steak in there, but that is going to the dog. She's the only one in this house that can stomach it. Perhaps there's still some chicken up there I can cook... We can only hope...

Mood: hungry

Nothing official, yet, but there is once again a diamond ring sitting on a very important finger on my left hand. He has to ask my father, first, before he officially proposes.

The thought gives me chills, that or the house is too cold, but I think I would have chills even if it was ninety degrees in here. He's put me in charge of finances, which means I have to calculate how much money is coming in, and figure out exactly how much is going out, and do something with whatever is left over, hopefully there is more coming in than going out... I'd hate it to be the other way around.

Speaking of, I got a job at a Fatz Cafe. I start tomorrow, though I am anxious how mine and Corey's schedule is going to work out, since he now works in the opposite direction that I do. It's about the same distance both ways, but it takes me half the time to get there because the majority of my travel time is going 50-60mph or above, only dropping down to 35mph (speed limit, not actual traveling speed) for less than a mile. Yes, I admit it, I do speed a little, but usually only about ten over. Any more than that I really consider reckless, but I have been known to go 15-20 over on the highways when I'm in a hurry, and occasionally, late at night, I will open the throttle up to get up to speeds of 100-110mph, if there are no other cars out.

Back to what I was saying originally, I'm in charge of the finances, and I have no idea, really, how much money I will actually be making at Fatz until I start serving, but it looks like business is pretty good there, so I am hopeful. Corey wants me to pick out a ring, and we are going to be looking at platinum, so we definitely need to be saving as much as we can. I'd be happy with white gold, but he doesn't want me to settle. He only wants my happiness.

I make him want to be a better man, he told me. He calls me perfect, despite my many flaws that he seems not to see. More than anything, though, he says above everything else that I do that he loves about me, the main reason he made this decision is because of how good he says I am with his daughter. His main interest, of course, is for the future of his little girl, and as long as she is happy and taken care of, everything else is just a bonus. Those, however, are my words. I am sure he feels the same, but these are my thoughts. I want her to live a full and happy life without ever having to live without the necessities or even the simple pleasures in life. I want her to live and love and grow and prosper the way she deserves to prosper. She never meets anyone who is not her friend and she loves with all her heart so unconditionally, the way only a child can love. She deserves so much, and I can only hope to provide her with a fraction of what she deserves.

I feel as though all I can offer her is my love, my life if she asks for it. I want to give her the world, but it is not mine to give. I would give my last breath if it would make her happy... and I dare not word it any differently. If anyone should hurt her, I'd happily kill someone. I will be a protective little shutzhund and guard her with my life. Hers is worth far more than mine, anyway.

Oh yes, on to my unofficial engagement. So, I will be inheriting a step-child of six and a loving husband. Still no news on me possibly being pregnant as of yet, but hopefully, I am mistaken. I'd like to fit back into my size 6 wedding dress. I have no idea when we will decide to get married, we have no plans at the moment, as it is still very unofficial, but he wanted me to go ahead and put the ring on my finger. And, I still haven't officially given him an answer. This time, I want things done right. I've been engaged twice, almost three times now, and not once has it been done correctly. This time, I want my fairy tale.

Mood: busy

Lucky you were born that far away so
We could both make fun of distance
Lucky that I love a foreign land for
The lucky fact of your existence

Baby I would climb the Andes solely
To count the freckles on your body
Never could imagine there were only
Ten Million ways to love somebody

Le ro lo le lo le, Le ro lo le lo le
Can't you see
I'm at your feet

Whenever, wherever
We're meant to be together
I'll be there and you'll be near
And that's the deal my dear

Thereover, hereunder
You'll never have to wonder
We can always play by ear
But that's the deal my dear

Lucky that my lips not only mumble
They spill kisses like a fountain
Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don't confuse them with mountains
Lucky I have strong legs like my mother
To run for cover when I need it
And these two eyes that for no other
The day you leave will cry a river

Le ro le le lo le, Le ro le le lo le
At your feet
I'm at your feet

Whenever, wherever
We're meant to be together
I'll be there and you'll be near
And that's the deal my dear

Thereover, hereunder
You'll never have to wonder
We can always play by ear
But that's the deal my dear

Le ro le le lo le, Le ro le le lo le
Think out loud
Say it again

Le ro le le lo le
Tell me one more time
That you'll live
Lost in my eyes

Whenever, wherever
We're meant to be together
I'll be there and you'll be near
And that's the deal my dear

Thereover, hereunder
You've got me head over heels
There's nothing left to fear
If you really feel the way I feel

Whenever, wherever
We're meant to be together
I'll be there and you'll be near
And that's the deal my dear

Thereover, hereunder
You've got me head over heels
There's nothing left to fear
If you really feel the way I feel

Shakira :: Whenever, Wherever

Mood: cranky

So, I have been having mood swings.

There have been mornings when I woke up nauseous.

And, my nipples are unusually sensitive.

I have the feeling that I may be pregnant.

I had this same feeling before.

I have already forewarned my mom and Corey about this.

My mom seemed excited, yet concerned. She knows my lifestyle. I like to drink, not heavily, but quite often.

And, with me out of work, things may be difficult should I, in fact, be with child.

My life is changing so swiftly.

I have feelings that I have never had before. I started crying today at a song I heard a million times before, and it was because I found new meaning in it.

It's a song about how impressionable children are and how much they look up to their parents as role models. All I could see was how Kamryn looks up to me and how I must behave around her to make a good impression so that hopefully, she will follow suit.

I must be such a bad influence on her... I live such a permiscuous life... I drink and I live with a man I am not married to and... and I could go on, but... I dare not. I am judged enough without adding to my misery.

What kind of parent would I possibly be? Certainly not mother of the year, I'm certain.

I hate to say this, and I really hate it, but maybe it was best that Calob was never born. He deserves better than me. I am worthless.

I should not be allowed to breed.

Mood: crappy

I feel really bad.

I have just realized that I made a critical mistake yesterday. Corey has had his daughter over visiting since Monday, and of course, she hangs all over me when she's here. Well, Corey's parents have been here visiting Kamryn and the two of us, mainly the former. His mom, Angie, invited me to go out shopping with them, and I assumed she meant just us girls and leave the men at home, so I was about to agree when Corey said no, that I wanted to stay home and spend time with him. And I should have picked up on it the instant he said it, but I didn't think about it.

Then, I told him that I had already told his mother that I was going to go, but I was under the impression that it was going to be this weekend when they went. So he told me it was up to me and gave me forty dollars and told me to buy a necklace or some clothes for myself, which I took to mean, here, go.

So, what did I do? I said yes. And then we got home and it was almost an argument over me going or not. He told me it was up to me, but he told his parents that he hadn't gotten to spend any time with me since Kamryn has been here, because he said when she comes over "it's always 'Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!'", which is true, that's all she does. I notice that she spends more and more time with me and less with him, and I know it's got to hurt him, though he doesn't show it. She has slipped and called me "mommy" on several occaisions now and it's getting to be a habit for her, sometimes she corrects herself, but sometimes she doesn't, and I just let it slide. My brother called me "mommy" for a few years, too, so it's nothing new to me.

I bought two outfits with the money he gave me and helped pick out two outfits for Kamryn with Corey's mom. When we got back, Corey and his dad fixed dinner and Kamryn was playing her new Pokemon game while Angie and I watched American Idol. After dinner, Corey put the dishes away and we finally got to go downstairs to our bedroom together. Instead of sitting down and relaxing with me, he started tidying up the room and dusting everything. He even vacuumed the rug and cleaned out the bird cage.

I had the feeling that he was irritated about something, and I was afraid I would get in his way if I tried to help, though I wanted to. I eventually fell asleep with a full stomach and a head tipsy with two screwdrivers.

In the morning, though, he informed me that he had tried to wake me up for a bit of intimacy, and I apparantly turned him down, not once, but twice. I felt bad... very bad. But I also knew that I had put Kamryn and his parents over him. I think he felt like he wasn't on my list of priorities, or that I could find better things to do than to spend time with him, but the truth is, that I can find nothing better to do with my time than spend every waking, and sleeping, moment at his side. I spend time away from him only to give him space and allow him some time away from me. The last thing I want is to bore him with my clingy nature. I just want him to love me, and while I think I have succeeded in this, or at least he tells me that I have, I feel a constant desire to pursue him every day as though I could lose him at any given point.

I doubt my rationale is a very healthy one, but it has worked thus far. I give every ounce of effort into my relationships that I possibly can, and for that, I cannot regret any single one I have ever been in. I made mistakes in the past, sure, but no one person is perfect and if they can't accept that, than it is better to have it end anyway.

We've talked about it, and he's over it. He admitted that he was upset, but more over me turning him down for sex than anything else, "I'm a guy!" he states. True, very true, he is all male, and I love him for that. He is loving, and compassionate, and protective when he should be, open when I need him to be, honest, modest, considerate, and not too polite, but holds me up on a pedastal that I could never achieve, and when I fall short, even my imperfections make me perfect in his eyes. I never thought in a million years would I find this man, but here he is, and I almost overlooked him. He very nearly fell into my lap.

Which is why I say, "Margaritas anytime!"

Mood: loved

Once again, I fear for my love.

He is out driving without a license, and less than sober at the moment.

It tears me up inside. What can I do? I can't stop him, even if my life depended on it, I would be unable to prevent his efforts.

I love him so much... I don't even know why. All I know is that he makes me happy. That's all I really need. Truly. As long as he makes me happy, I don't need anything else.

Although, he does irritate me from time to time. But what man doesn't?

Really, it must be programmed into their hard drive. They are forced to be annoying from time to time. But at the same time, they are also programmed to be incredibly sweet and, at times, even understanding, but it's the rare and flighting moments when they are so sweet and caring and the few tears that they shed that truly get to us females that wins us over to their charms permanently. I'm not trying to say that I have been won over quite yet, but I do believe I am too near for my own comfort. Yet, I have no control over the outcome of this relationship at this current point in time.

It scares me.

I have a size 6 wedding dress already that I have to live up to, and I am not getting any younger, as my caring father so pointedly reminded me.

I have been pregnant once already, and althoigh it would not be an unpleasant surprise, I am not trying for another quite yet. I would like to be able to wear my wedding dress unaltered. It suits me so well.

Until then, I remain yours, my faithful readers,

You will all warrant wedding invitations.
I love you all,
LunR

Mood: loved

So, I hate my job.

Gary actually fucking accused me of coming to work high on marijuana. Who the hell does he think he is? And what's more, he doesn't talk to me, he goes to the two people that everyone in the restaurant knows do drugs and sell, at that.

So, of course, they come up to me and talk to me about it, and they actually believed him. I was pissed off. So, I go to him and confront him about it.

Me: Gary, do you have something that you want to ask me?

Gary: No. < pause > Are you okay?

Me: Yeah, I'm fine.

< He holds up two fingers. >

Gary: How many fingers am I holding up?

At this point, I am fuming.

Me: Two!

And he walks away from me... Like I wasn't even there. What the fuck?

So, I'm going to talk to my general manager, and I'm putting my two weeks notice in unless they decide that they want to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I can't stand their bullshit any longer.

Corey's been on the phone with the Charter people since I got home and he's been raising hell at them all night. I can't blame him. They've been running us in circles since January. He's taken off work because someone has to be here to meet them when they bring out the cable box that we are supposed to have. They have brought the wrong box out four separate occaisions. The installation was incomplete... but at the same time, I have to listen to him bitch... Not that I don't feel like bitching myself, but I'm the bitch, that's my job.

I feel like I just got home, I don't even get to relax, and I have to go to bed, because I have to work a double shift tomorrow. I mean, I feel like I don't even get a break. I can't do this anymore. And I'm going to refuse to.

Mood: cranky